Psalm 19:14 was the first Bible verse I memorized as an adult. I wasn’t yet a follower of Jesus. I was reading God’s Word and falling in love with Him. I began to realize how far from God’s standard of holiness I lived. So, the above verse became a prayer.
Was my prayer saying to God – let me be good so You can love me? Probably.
Yet, the truth was that I ‘had a mouth on me’, ‘swore like a trucker’, and had learned the art of skewering someone with a few choice words.
When I gave my heart to Jesus, He erased the swear words. They just disappeared. The mouthiness took some work on my part. Oh, the apologies I have had to make as I allow God to have His way in me!
After a few years I began to behave like the rest of the church people. I was trudging that road to perfection. Outwardly.
Yet, I can sniff out a hypocrite. The strongest stench came from myself. The worst of it was – my relationship with God became blocked.
Then I read a quote from Larry Crabb bemoaning his lack of personal transformation though renown as an author on transformation. “I’m not alone!” I thought.
From there began the gentle journey of God revealing to me the ‘meditations of my heart’. And it’s not about being perfect in order to be loved by God. It’s about knowing how much God loves me and soaking in that healing love. It’s about trusting that God is powerful enough to do the transforming in His order of importance.
I can’t know and trust without sitting in God’s presence. I yearn to be a Martha but, when I’m not a Mary, then I’m a mean or controlling Martha. God tells me that my attitude about my work matters more than the work. God tells me that He doesn’t need me to be a missionary. I get the privilege of going and seeing God at work when I show up. And my responsibility when showing up is being prepared (homework done), rested (in bed at a decent hour), and having sat at His feet.
I still cling to Psalm 19:14. I want to remain close to the Lover of my Soul.
And I’m a recovering perfectionist.