My Lord and My God

“…Jesus came and stood among them and said, ‘Peace be with you!’
Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’” (John 20:26b-27 NIV)

A few weeks after my mom passed away last year, I was drawn to the story of the disciples locking themselves in a room after Jesus’ death because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders. And I was drawn to Thomas.

Most of us know Thomas as Doubting Thomas. What a nickname! I wouldn’t want to be named after one of the lowest moments of my life! We may be quick to judge Thomas in that moment, but is it possible perhaps something else was also at play, not just doubt?

As I pondered the scene, I began to wonder. For the first time I didn’t see just doubt, I saw grief.  

The disciples were in shock. Jesus was dead and each of them reacted differently. The thought that grief in losing Jesus may have played a role in Thomas’s life was new to me — and still is. Perhaps grief caused him to doubt. Grief is an ever-present filter that can change how we perceive life. 

After hearing the overly excited disciples say, “We have seen the Lord,” perhaps grief gave his words a sharp edge when he replied, “Yeah sure, I’ll believe THAT when I see it for myself.” 

Maybe he didn’t like himself when he heard his own words. I know that feeling. I want to respond well—to respond maturely. But instead, something childish and unbelieving comes out of my mouth. Maybe instead of being so hard on myself, I can begin to accept that I am grieving. Instead of saying, “I should have more faith,” I can admit that I am sad. Or more than that, devastated. Losing my dear mother was the greatest loss I’ve experienced in my life thus far. 

I have a new appreciation for Thomas. He still showed up. With all his doubt and sadness. He came. And he was met with – Peace personified.

Jesus invites us to be honest with Him and with ourselves. His gaze is kind. His voice is not condemning. “I am here,” He says, “and I know that you are hurting. Peace be with you, Lisa.”

I identify with Thomas in his grief or better yet, I see more deeply how Jesus met Thomas in his grief and despair. And this intimate encounter with the resurrected Lord leads me to say with Thomas, “My Lord and my God!” 

And somehow the peace that He offers becomes the key that unlocks the door to my trembling, grieving heart.  

Lisa Meyers

For Reflection

“…When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalm 61:2b NKJV)

• When was the last time you were “ambushed by grief”? In your sadness, did you turn toward the Lord or away from Him? 

• How can you integrate the Lord’s greeting, “peace be with you, (your name)” into your daily conversations with Him, especially when your heart is overwhelmed?